Ghosts and closed doors

Tonight I went to visit a ghost from the past. More like an angel. She was still beautiful, but the last 5 or 6 years haven't been what most would call kind. Though I intentionally went there to see a ghost, the fallen angel wasn't the one I expected to see. I expected to find her mom. I expected the fallen angel's mom to hit me or hug me, I hadn't made up my mind which. But then I planned to talk to her for a while and see how her daughters were doing. It's the fallen angel's sister I really wanted to check on. We'll call her the unexpected angel.

The unexpected angel and I used to be very good friends. I can't be sure, but I believe she loved me, or at least was infatuated with me. At the time, though she was beautiful, she was far from an angel. Her mom always thanked me for being her friend, for helping her through some pretty rough times. I suppose deep down, some arrogant part of me thought of myself as her angel. I took her for granted. I haven't seen her in years and I've always told myself the reason why was "tough love".

I was living with the unexpected angel when I last saw her. She was going through a particularly difficult time in her life, so I moved in to help out. She didn't actually live there for the majority of the time I did, I was mostly just house sitting. When the unexpected angel came home, we shared the house for a couple weeks. She was better, but not good. It was a rough time. I thought she needed to learn that she couldn't just say terrible things to people she cared about, then apologize later and expect everything to be okay. She was going through a lot of stress. When she told me I had to move out by Friday, then later apologized and said she didn't want me to leave, I told her she needed to learn that she couldn't say anything she wanted then take it back later. The next day while she was at work I packed up and left. I haven't seen her or her family since.

I expected the fallen angel to be married to a rich guy, in good shape, living in LA, maybe a movie star or a model, successful. I didn't expect her to be behind the bar. I expected her mom. I didn't expect the unexpected angel to be clean and married with a kid, working as a stay-at-home-mom. I expected her to behind the bar with her mom, looking rough.

I'm not sure what I expected, going there tonight. But I think I realized that I closed a door a long time ago when I thought I was helping her. Maybe I did help her. Maybe I didn't. Maybe if I had stayed she would have still grown up, got better. Maybe we would be married. Maybe she would be working at the bar and her sister, the fallen angel, would be somewhere better. Maybe I screwed up. Maybe I didn't.

Maybe I was hoping for redemption, maybe it will still come. I'm positive I was hoping to pick up where we left off. I'm positive that won't happen.

Maybe I'm doomed to a life without female companionship. I crave it. I don't mean sex or really even a girlfriend. A man needs a woman. I needed the angels tonight. I miss them. I missed them.