A nice reminder

Sitting here, drinking a cup of coffee, catching up on facebook and email, glancing over at my niece sleeping... it was nice to be reminded yesterday that teenage girls can still have genuine fun without cell phones, boys, or other troubles. I just wish it was easier to remind them of that little fact.

Loneliest When

I suppose a glass seems the most empty when it's just been full. You don't necessarily think of the glasses in your cabinets as empty. They're just glasses. Finish a drink though, and what you have is an empty glass.

I suppose that's why I feel the loneliest when I've just spent time with those I love the most. 30 minutes ago I was as content as I possibly could be. I was overflowing. Now it's quiet. I'm empty.

I suppose I just need a run through the dishwasher and put back in the cabinet.

Ghosts and closed doors

Tonight I went to visit a ghost from the past. More like an angel. She was still beautiful, but the last 5 or 6 years haven't been what most would call kind. Though I intentionally went there to see a ghost, the fallen angel wasn't the one I expected to see. I expected to find her mom. I expected the fallen angel's mom to hit me or hug me, I hadn't made up my mind which. But then I planned to talk to her for a while and see how her daughters were doing. It's the fallen angel's sister I really wanted to check on. We'll call her the unexpected angel.

The unexpected angel and I used to be very good friends. I can't be sure, but I believe she loved me, or at least was infatuated with me. At the time, though she was beautiful, she was far from an angel. Her mom always thanked me for being her friend, for helping her through some pretty rough times. I suppose deep down, some arrogant part of me thought of myself as her angel. I took her for granted. I haven't seen her in years and I've always told myself the reason why was "tough love".

I was living with the unexpected angel when I last saw her. She was going through a particularly difficult time in her life, so I moved in to help out. She didn't actually live there for the majority of the time I did, I was mostly just house sitting. When the unexpected angel came home, we shared the house for a couple weeks. She was better, but not good. It was a rough time. I thought she needed to learn that she couldn't just say terrible things to people she cared about, then apologize later and expect everything to be okay. She was going through a lot of stress. When she told me I had to move out by Friday, then later apologized and said she didn't want me to leave, I told her she needed to learn that she couldn't say anything she wanted then take it back later. The next day while she was at work I packed up and left. I haven't seen her or her family since.

I expected the fallen angel to be married to a rich guy, in good shape, living in LA, maybe a movie star or a model, successful. I didn't expect her to be behind the bar. I expected her mom. I didn't expect the unexpected angel to be clean and married with a kid, working as a stay-at-home-mom. I expected her to behind the bar with her mom, looking rough.

I'm not sure what I expected, going there tonight. But I think I realized that I closed a door a long time ago when I thought I was helping her. Maybe I did help her. Maybe I didn't. Maybe if I had stayed she would have still grown up, got better. Maybe we would be married. Maybe she would be working at the bar and her sister, the fallen angel, would be somewhere better. Maybe I screwed up. Maybe I didn't.

Maybe I was hoping for redemption, maybe it will still come. I'm positive I was hoping to pick up where we left off. I'm positive that won't happen.

Maybe I'm doomed to a life without female companionship. I crave it. I don't mean sex or really even a girlfriend. A man needs a woman. I needed the angels tonight. I miss them. I missed them.

Rock Star

My boss recently told me I'm a rock star. I told him I'll have to start doing cocaine.

Today my project went live. I thought this would mean I could relax a bit, but instead now I see I have so much more to do! The potential is infinite, but with a heightened opportunity for success comes an increased chance for failure. I've always been very good at keeping a low profile, but I think now I'm ready to stick my neck out there. I may have.

We'll see how that goes...

Hope you don't mind me using this pic, Lance ;)

Happiness is fleeting...

Luckily, so is unhappiness.  It seems you could flip a coin to determine whether I'll be happy on any given day, especially on Christmas day.  Today/Yesterday, the coin fell well.  What a strange and wonderful Christmas day it was.  Sadly, it's 4:30 AM and I am critically past my "DO NOT POST" time period (The rule was instituted to reduce the sheer amount of "emo" and general BS that significantly increases as the early morning hours pass (like this)).

So anyway, a late Merry Christmas to you all!

Decisions, decisions, decisions

(I originally posted this on April 27th, 2004.  Charlie was looking through some archives of one of my old sites.  I started doing the same and came across this blog.  Since I haven't posted much here lately, I thought it would be good to post.)

Do you ever wonder exactly how big a decision has to be before it is life-changing? I've read about the chaos theory and the butterfly effect a little, and I am inclined to believe them. If it is true, then we have no idea how the little decisions we make every day will affect our lives in the future.

My cousin Mark is 25, the same age as me. When we were 8 we obviously had our differences, but we were both kids. We both went sledding when it snowed. We both rode that peddle-car around my grandma's basement for hours at a time. We both played with lincoln-logs. Today I helped people at the hospital I work for. Today he died of a drug overdose.

I don't believe for a moment that it was on purpose. Mark was a wonderful person; always happy and making others happy. He had just made some poor decisions. Those decisions are what interest me. Which decisions cause this drastic difference in outcomes? Is it when you first decide to try cocaine? Is it when you decide to smoke that first joint? Is it when you decide to sit next to the guy in highschool that smokes pot just to be closer to that cheerleader? Is it in junior high when you decide to hide that adult magazine under your mattress so your mom won't find it when she cleans your room? Is it in gradeschool when your mom tells you to clean your room and you don't?

When is it? When does a person decide to die from a drug overdose?

Max Payne review

If I had my druthers, I would have made the movie just an exact remake of all the cut scenes in the game. It would have been narrative, with a film noir/graphic novel style. However, I can see why they wouldn't do that. So that being said, as a die-hard max payne fan, I think they did a helluva job. They threw in so many references to the game. 

The first thing that stands out is the settings. They hit pretty much every backdrop from the game; max's house was pretty good, the Aesir building, the docks, the storage containers, all the way down to Ragnarok. The only significant places they left out are the old foundry, with the military base underneath (where they did all the valkyre experiments) and the Asgrad building (big classic library looking building where he met Alfred Woden).

They also got most of the characters in there, Mona, Lupino, Bravura, BB, Alex, Michelle, even a Vinnie Gognitti reference! Of course they completely left out Woden and his whole crew, as well as Don Punchinello (and obviously his mansion wasn't in the movie either).

The characters bring me to the first of three things that pissed me off. WHO THE HELL IS NATASHA? In the game, Mona Sax's twin sister is named Lisa Punchinello. I guess since they left out the entire Punchinello story line, they had to change this. Still, I don't like it. Second, the Aesir corporation. IT'S PRONOUNCED ACE-ER LIKE THE COMPUTER COMPANY, NOT AUSEER OR WHATEVER IN THE HELL THEY SAY IN THE MOVIE. Third, HE DIDN'T KILL HORNE! I'm not even sure Nicole Horne was in the movie, but I'm pretty sure that's who BB's boss was supposed to be, I just never caught her name.

So overall I think it was really good. I don't think Wahlberg "nailed" Max Payne, but he did a fine job. The only person I would have picked over him would be Ray Liotta. In my opinion, the thing that would have put the movie into the "great" category for me would have been some witty and gritty narration. That's what made the game SO classic. His tone and words spoke volumes against the backdrop of the dreary city. You got the idea it wasn't just about Michelle and his daughter; Max wanted them all to die. It was for everyone's wife and daughter. He wanted them all to pay. 

"You play, you pay, you bastard" - Max Payne

p.s. You don't think the dialog made the game? Try doing a google search for favorite max payne quote.

In Another Life

Perhaps if I had been born in a different time, a different place, I might have been a writer. My words like cards being dealt across a smooth oak table. I count 1, 2, 3, 4 -- 2, 2, 3, 4 -- 3, 2, 3, 4 -- 4, 2, 3, 4, as they gently glide to a stop in front of each reader. Occasionally one catches the air and flips over, exposing too much, or perhaps nothing at all. I put it back in the deck to be dealt again later, then replace the one on the table, for better or worse. The players are all different. One of them, as he walks away from the table, may feel cheated or broken. He may feel I stacked the deck against him. Another may leave the table no different than when he sat down. He may feel his time was wasted, or he may feel nothing at all. But the other... the other may walk away smiling... grinning... laughing...

mid-life crisis (postponed)

I had this entire post planned out... the fact that I'll be turning 30 in a couple months... I was going to say I don't plan to live past 60.  I had a bunch of witty, self-depracating things to say.  But while typing it, I realized I feel oddly good.  Maybe it's because I just went for a walk, or because I've been drinking water today (two things I was going to pledge to do for my pending mid-life crisis).

But strangely, I feel okay.  I would like to lose some weight by my 30th birthday, and I would like to not be alone any more.  But right now I'm fine.  So anyway, I'm postponing my mid-life crisis.  At least for a few days. :)

Society is screwed...

Please pardon the double entendre... actually, nevermind, don't.

Tonight I went to a rap concert. Now, I'll preface all this with the fact that it was in Springfield, Missouri. But still...

It was the single most depressing event I've ever attended. I can't decide which was the most pathetic: me, for taking my neice, the few adults who were actually there to enjoy it, or the rappers graphically talking about sex, drugs and money to an audience composed mostly of teenage and preteen girls.

I can't even think of words to describe the gamut of feelings I felt tonight.

I saw 8 year old girls dancing while a man on stage sang the following lyrics:

"nice thighs, cute face, and gotta have a phat ass
bust that pussy open then i tell her bring it back"

Believe it or not, those, by far, are not the worst lyrics I heard tonight.

I was literally sick to my stomach with shame, that I had brought my 14 year old neice and she was hearing all this shit. Then I actually reached a point where I stopped feeling sick to my stomach... some strange combination of acceptance and complete despair. Like, I'd always hoped there was some small chance she could still grow up to be a proper lady, pure, shameless and without regret. But now all hope was gone. No girl will ever again have a chance. I'm completely convinced of it now.

I feel nauseous again.